cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
