Who did Billy Mays play for?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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