Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
