your thong is hanging out like whoa
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
