"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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