Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
