My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
