I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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