Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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