Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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