Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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