i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
