I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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