Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
