The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
