just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
