I think im going to throw up on grandma
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
