Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
