There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
