hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Four minutes until I can fart!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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