i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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