I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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