Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
