Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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