every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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