WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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