I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
