So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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