I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
