plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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