Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
