youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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