Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
well you can't waste a boner
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
