We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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