I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
