I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
