maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
