He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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