He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
