Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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