I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
