Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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