We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
