Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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