Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
