The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
