I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
