i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
