You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
