I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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