Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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