I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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